I've been away for forever trying to launch a personal project, and boy is it ever rewarding and painful at the same time. Rewarding because I hadn't realized I'd been so parched for creative freedom—as in doing something for yourself and not for pay or for society's approbation (please please please like me!)—and this project is filled with that and painful because I feel guilty I'm not doing all the expected things and only the expected things: work, family, duties.
I hadn't realized I had lost so much of who I was, that I had immersed myself in all the must-dos so completely that I hadn't allowed myself any want-to-dos. It sort of creeps up on you, especially when you're a mom: You put your kids first, always, then your husband, then your work. Or they're all number one. Follow any other script and there are enough scolds out there to keep you in line. Service to family above all else!
And all of a sudden the girl who always found time to write or garden or pray or sing or read for an hour no longer does. I hadn't realized how much that ate at the soul, and how when part of your soul is all eaten away, you feel maybe not empty—my family, after all, brings light and love to my life—but not quite full, either. You're perpetually underfed.
So here's the deal: Nobody else will be feeding you but yourself. So what are you waiting for?
—CityMom
(Photo from listropolis.com.)
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